i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
