I should be sponsored by Trojan
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
