the condom got lost in my hair
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
