Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
