She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
