the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
