singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
