from now on my penis is your penis
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
