I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
