U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
