I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
