Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We are all done wearing pants today
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