Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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