He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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