I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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