Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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