I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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