I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
