I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
