Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
