I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She is in my trunk
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just high enough for therapy.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
