She is in my trunk
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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