I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
