chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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