I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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