if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
