I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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