Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
What drink are we having for lunch?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
