She announced her abortion via fbk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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