bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
