She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I AM VODKA MAN
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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