I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
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Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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