So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
high people should be assigned attendants
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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