chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
