Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
why do cheetos always look like penises
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just gargled with NyQuil
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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