He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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