my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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