i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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