I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
