you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My balls are so social today.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My ass is underappreciated
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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