i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
