He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
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I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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