I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Do vagina's smell?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So much rum. So many feels.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I forget how to act sober
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
