Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Pants are for mortals
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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