I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
