I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
