He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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