I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
