it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
