Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
