Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
