ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
