Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
