you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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