You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize