Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
